10 November 2013

The worst emotion on the planet

What is it for you? Fear? Distrust? Inadequacy?
None of those even come close to the deep-seeded guilt I feel sometimes. It's a stupid sentiment, really. Counter-productive and even destructive. As my dearest nutritional healer Courtney Pool calls it, guilt is a wet noodle.
I've been feeling really guilty recently, and it spans across so many domains. If I listed all of the things for which I feel those knot-wrenching pangs when the black clouds enter my brain and my stomach falls, I'd be here for days. Not working enough, spending too much time at school, being mad at N for not washing dishes, not sticking to my plans, not cooking enough when N is home, buying things, skipping a workout....well, you get the idea.



I have a hard time falling asleep sometimes because my brain decides it's time to overanalyze every bad decision I made that day. So productive, I know. If playing the "what if" game was an Olympic sport, I'd be on the top of the podium every fours years. And when I play that game, it only exacerbates the guilt. (I swear, my mother has either Catholic or Jewish heritage, because I'm pretty sure it all stems from her. But that's a post for another day.) In a new era of trying to love myself and be kind, guilt does an excellent job of taking away my progress. Yeah, fuck you, guilt.
One of the great things about having an anon Twitter is that I can throw so much out there and if people judge, I don't care, because I don't know who most of them are. And if they're still around at the end of the day, they actually do care. I have some wonderful followers who interact with me on a regular basis and for that I'm grateful. But for the most part, I'm just running my mouth, saying the things I can't say in front of people I know. (Some people might find that weird, but screw them. It's my outlet. And it's great.) And in a way, it helps me process my guilt, getting it out there so I'm not the only one bearing the load. Even if no one reads my tweets, it's still off my chest. Instant Guilt-Be-Gone.
So that's where I am right now. Trying so hard to push that nasty feeling away. I won't deny it, making the effort to make it disappear is exhausting. But then again, so is the actual emotion. It's draining, and it really serves no purpose but to bring you down. There is nothing good or positive about it. Dead weight.
I am going to do my damnest to keep that horrible good-for-nothing feeling at bay, but I believe the best way to do that is to take the things that are making me feel guilty and deal with them. If I can conquer those obstacles, there will be no reason for me to walk with my tail between my legs. So done feeling this way. I know it won't change overnight, but little by little I believe I can overcome this feeling.
One day, I hope to look at guilt when it enters my line of sight and just start at it, confused.

xoxo

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