01 January 2014

New year, new...fuck that

I wasn't going to write a New Years post today, but a dear friend convinced me to when my computer started up all by itself. Very subtle, Internet. And then I read Skinny Wife Life's latest post and said, well, maybe I should do this.
I haven't blogged much lately. I haven't done much of anything lately; I'm cutting myself some slack, given the shambles of my personal life these days.

I don't do resolutions. I have in the past but I think they're dumb, mostly because, like every other human, I fail to keep them. Frankly, I think NYE is dumb. Maybe it's because I'm feeling lost and it gives me major anxiety to think about what's going to happen in the coming year. That anxiety is driven by the fact that I have NO IDEA what my life is going to be like in one year, let alone six months. Nonetheless, despite my antipathy towards NYE, I won't deny last night I was sad and alone. But enough self-pity.
Here's a little reflection and a few promises I'm going to make to myself.

2013
If I were to base all of 2013 on the past two months I would say it's been a horribly shitty year. But I can't do that, because there were 10 other months in the year. And all in all, I've done some amazing things for myself in 2013. Going vegan was one of the best decisions I ever could have made to heal my relationships with food and myself. I am so proud of the weight I have lost and of the decisions I am making for myself, all other living beings and the planet. I can't deny those feelings. I have learned to be kind to myself, which I have never been. I'm not kind all of the time, but I'm much more gentle and that feels amazing.
On the flip side, this "selfish" attitude has played a role in the destruction of the relationship with the person I love the most. Deep inside, I know splitting up with N is for the best. I am tired of being the one on whom all of the household responsibility falls. I have been a rock, but that doesn't mean that this isn't the hardest thing in the world. I am ready to move on, to sell the house and take Boo and find a little apartment until I get my shit together enough to get into a condo. I have no idea how long that will take, but it will happen when it does. I can't rush it. It is what it is (that's my current mantra).
On a completely different note, Twitter has been amazing for me this year. I started my account over a year ago as a place to justify my feelings of self-hate and disordered thinking. For a while it wasn't healthy, but it eventually morphed into a place of love and acceptance where I find inspiration, friendship, recipes and lots of laughs. I love the variety of accounts I follow, from anons to big names in the vegan community to fitness motivation and just general bad-assery (enter The Indie Chicks). My Twitter has been my journal and I could never deactivate now.
Something I'm trying to embrace-gotta love Edna!

2014
That being said, let's move forward. I am not going to make resolutions. I am going to make promises à la Alex Sheen and Because I Said I Would. (I heard about this on the radio. I love this idea, and I think it will help me be accountable and accomplish my goals by making them promises. I just ordered my promise cards.) But in the meantime, here are my promises. I am trying to make them measurable in order to ensure I keep them.
1-Spend less and save more
I have always partaken in retail therapy (if you've read my blog or tweets, you know that). With the uncertainty of my situation in the coming months, I can't do what I have always done. It just can't happen. I have taken the step to work with a financial planner and I will stick to a budget. No more unnecessary spending. I am so happy with some of my fun purchases recently, and they've made me feel much better, but it's time to stop seeking solace in material goods. (Plus, the more shit I buy now is more shit I have to move when we sell the house!) I need to find happiness in myself and my activities, not in my closet. (I recently read this post about things to do instead of shopping. I think I'm going to print it out and keep it with me.)
OK, on that note, one quick photo of my latest purchase, my That Madonna Girl halo! LOVE!

2-Schedule exercise into my daily routine
Cliché, I know. But I'm headed to Florida in April with my family and I'd like to look even better than I do now. Enter heavy lifting. (The ironic and convenient thing about this promise and my divorce is that I now have more time for myself!) We are lucky to have a home gym right now, and I'm not sure what that situation will be when I move out of my house. So for now I need to take advantage of what I have. And yoga has become central in my life as I try to get out of my own head. So I will follow a plan to start my day with yoga and schedule lifting sessions in the afternoons. Each week I will look at my calendar and my obligations and write down when I will exercise. I will treat these sessions like meetings that I cannot cancel. Operation Flaunt it in Florida commence! (We'll just ignore the champagne smoothie I started my day with! Oh, and on a side note, less alcohol will be featured in 2014.)
3-Put my students first
I can't say my head has been completely into my work lately. I have to remember that I have the education of over 170 children in my hands and when I arrive at work that needs to be my priority. I am often so exhausted during the day that when my short and infrequent breaks come during the day, I need a pause from thinking about work. That needs to change and I must make the most of my time at school. So unfortunately, I will be tweeting less during the day. But I promise I'll make up for it after I get home and work out!

So there you have it. If you cared, that's where I am right now and where I plan to head. Thanks for being there for me, y'all. Feeling hopeful for 2014.

Love you, mean it.
xoxo, from snowy VT,
me and Boo


2 comments:

  1. Happy New Year, big hugs to you and Boo.

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  2. Happy New Year. I have found twitter a wonderful place to go when my mind was in the wrong place. i always leave better thanks to a handful of people. you are rapidly becoming one of them. i look forward to hearing more from you in the new year. --Brian

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