13 March 2014

Beating Myself Up...And Ending the Cycle

Who doesn't want to start the day with a little Johnny?
I have treated myself like absolute shit in recent days. My trip to France was incredible, and I desperately needed to get away. I felt like a new person upon my return. But then N came back from being away and things changed. She asked me what we could do about the fact that I was pissed off all the time, and I said nothing. Her response: "If you're going to be mad, I will be too, and that's not what I want." I realized that it wasn't right, I can't really blame her for taking her life in the direction it needs to go. Sure, I'm hurt and upset and angry, but I've ended relationships because it's what I needed for myself. That's all she's doing.

So I stopped being openly angry. But this anger turned inward, and I started to treat myself terribly. For the first time in months, I turned to food. And hit a real low last night when I purged...I hit a wall, but after talking to my BFF from elementary school, she put some things in perspective. I hadn't seen the reason for which I was taking my anger out on myself, but now I know. I can't be angry at N any more; it had been so easy to be bitter, curt and cold with her. But I stopped that. Where to put my anger? At me. But that's not productive; in fact, it's hurtful and damaging. So I'm going to work to change that, starting with a modified juice cleanse next week and a full juice feast the first week of April and some new yoga DVDs. I'm going to do what I can over the next month to get myself and my body ready for Florida. (This is something I should have started weeks ago, but I haven't been mentally focused for exercise recently, so it is what it is.)
On that note, love yourselves, betches. Life's too short not to.

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